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Thursday, December 23, 2010

Christmas Special: Adolph the Brown-nosed Reindeer

Haha, I'm in the holiday mood:

Once upon a time, many years before the invention of television, Santa Claus owned a herd of ten reindeers: Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blitzen, Rudolph, and Adolph.  Every year on the 24th of December--or the equivalent of whatever calendar happened to be in use at the North Pole--Father Christmas would harness nine of the reindeer to fly his sleigh into the moon and deliver gifts of toys or candy or coal to the children of the world, the specific gift based on their respective cultures and yearly behavior.  The last one, Rudolph, was the youngest, barely full grown, who provided Mrs. Claus company through the long and chilly night.  "Babysitting," the others derided, but Rudolph kept his head down, content to have a warm and cozy fireplace while the sleigh-bearers braved snowstorms, tornadoes, and even a hailstorm once.

Adolph was the lead reindeer, the oldest and the biggest, with the tallest antlers, smoothest coat, hardest hooves, and darkest muzzle of softest velvet.  It was common rumor (mostly spread by Cupid) that he and Vixen might one day produce the next alpha reindeer, although Vixen was too proud to admit any sort of admiration for the handsome fellow.  Compared to him, Rudolph was a scruffy runt in a clown costume, what with his bright red nose.  The red nose was particularly funny, especially when the reindeer played hide-and-seek.  Even in the darkest bushes, the red nose glowed without fail.

"Someday you'll get your chance to join the sleigh-bearers," Mrs. Claus would kindly say as she fed him special reindeer cookies.  Rudolph liked Mrs. Claus the most.  No one else was as nice to him as she was.  Even the elves did not deign to participate in reindeer politics, having their own issues to deal with (every so often, a misguided elf would spout nonsense about slavery and unions, and some sort of kerfuffle would ensue, until Santa stepped in, wielding the reindeer whip).  Santa Claus himself was too busy managing the workshop to even notice his reindeer (although he recites their names before every flight, he doesn't actually know who is who).

And so it was the way it would always be.  Through the years, Rudolph grew bigger--comparable to the rate that Santa's waistline increased), and his antlers reached a respectable size, although his nose never stopped glowing.

Until the smog came.

A massive explosion of industry and manufacturing in the world several latitudes below released satanic billowing clouds that diffused beyond their political borders.  The Christmas eve that year was especially foggy: the moon hid behind a gray wool afghan, and even the sun refused to shine.  Santa had trouble finding the stable entrance to harness the reindeer.

"My goodness.  I can't see anything in this weather!" he complained to his wife as she held up a lantern to light his way.

Mrs. Claus pursed her lips, watching him deftly pull the straps around Dancer.  "Well, you can still see Rudolph."

"Who?"

"Your reindeer, silly.  Look over there."  She indicated a space that looked just like every other view in the distance: a monochromatic curtain.  But in this particular view, a red spot was visible, bobbing gently as Rudolph trotted over the sleigh.  With the shrinking distance, Santa could see that the red spot was actually Rudolph's nose, casting light in a ten foot radius all around.

"Why, what kind of genetic mutation is that?" Santa exclaimed.  "This is perfect!  Come here, my dear Rudolph."  Mrs. Claus smiled, and Rudolph approached the giant red man cautiously, nose extended to sniff for danger, or cookies.  Santa squatted down to rest his hands on his knees.  "Well, Rudolph, with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?  Ouch!"

In a fit of anger at these words, Adolph had kicked out, unaware that Santa was right behind him.  His powerful hooves dug into Santa's soft thighs, and Santa toppled over, gravity drawing greedily at the dense belly mass of a billion calories from a million cookies.  In shock, Mrs. Claus cried an "Oh!" and dropped the lantern.  Blinding darkness would have enveloped the scene, but Rudolph's nose kept them all in sight.

Adolph, realizing his mistake, turned and nuzzled at his owner, attempting to transmit his apologies.

"Bugger off," Santa cried as he clambered up with Rudolph's help, "ungrateful animal!"  The other reindeer, intent on avoiding Santa's anger, rallied around Rudolph, snorting and stamping at Adolph.  "You can stay in the stable tonight.  No salt popsicles for you."  Santa waved at the disgruntled stable elf, who dragged a kicking, complaining Adolph back into his stall.

As Santa fixed the gift bag onto the sleigh, with all the reindeer strapped in, Rudolph was butted gently from behind.  He glanced back, where Dasher was grinning cheekily.  "Chin up," Dasher said, "you've got the big job now.  First ever red-nosed reindeer.  You'll go down in history, bet my four hooves.  They'll be singing songs about you 'fore you know it."

"Who will sing songs?"

Dasher shrugged, his shoulder moving awkwardly in the rather human gesture.  "I 'unno.  Jus' saying."

From that day onwards, Rudolph led the reindeer through all weather to deliver gifts to the children of the world.  What happened to Adolph was lost to history.  Mrs. Claus found other company to spend the cold nights with, and Santa finally learned the name of one of his reindeer.

The End.

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